God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Labreador
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’