[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
stand with me against insufficient seating
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.