I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
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I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
😆this is so true
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?