When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.