{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
“I FIXED IT!”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.