Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️