[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.