I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.