I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Well, that should do it
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.