Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
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Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
What personal space?
My dog
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?