If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Hello Twits.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.