You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single