One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
You Might Also Like
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
HOW DARE YOU
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?