My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
@funTweeters I am at your service….
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Said the murderer.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?