[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
You Might Also Like
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Natural selection at its finest
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”