One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
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If snakes were wide
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.