In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?