I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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the last thing a carrot sees
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Well, that should do it
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there