Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?