A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
what the
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.