Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel