The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that