So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
mumsnet is amazing
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”