“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
why isn’t thunder called soundning
This meal prepping shit is easy
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally