You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My flabber has been gasted.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
This guy’s not having it 😆
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.