You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
This was my dad’s browser history.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
6. me as a lawyer