[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.