“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Best table by far
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?