Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
You Might Also Like
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Brilliant!
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.