I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
You Might Also Like
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.