My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.