The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them