I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
smh
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol