I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
jesus christ confetti not now
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I hope they boil the right one.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
i dont have time for this
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.