If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.