am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.