PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over