Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
O Wise One….
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores