Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!