Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend