Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I would move hell over six inches for you
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.