My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
damn he’s good
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”