I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
You Might Also Like
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I hope this email finds you in a well
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Mornin
Steam Forums
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.