Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Midwest trash talk
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
S O O N
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”