6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!