When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.