People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to