What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*