Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Finally! 😈
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Is….Is this an option?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.