Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You Might Also Like
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.